Jake And Friends
Jake And Friends
Episode 64 - Protect Your Marriage with Alla & Kayla
Alla and Kayla join the guys to talk about how they have valued their marriages by keeping them guarded against the enemy. Jake also reveals his coffee spending habits.
All right, everybody, welcome back to another episode of Jake and friends. Uh, I've got my best friend Parker and two surprise guests are Alice Smith and Kayla Sanders. That's mine and Parker's wife, respectively.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:great
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:how's it going, guys?
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:on.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:Yeah. How's it going tonight? Ladies. Great.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:Oh, yes. Fabulous. I'm just freezing over here. Maybe
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:It's like,
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:that vent. No, I'm good.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:it's, it's almost summer. It's basically summer where y'all are at. So I don't know how you're cold
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:Because our house is blowing. Well, because we have two children that come by it, honestly, they get hot, like instantly. I mean, they have to go to bed with literally no clothes or they're going to sweat through everything. So yeah, we have to keep the house cool.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:to boys. Do I get,
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:Yeah. So Kayla's the only boy in the house. So she's got to suffer. I'm the only girl in the house. Excuse me. Big mistake. Big mistake.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:uh, well, have y'all, it's been a while since y'all been on the podcast and it's been a while since we've had a female on the podcast. We did have Brittany Steen on the podcast, um, with her husband, Austin. But before that, I don't. I'm going to be honest. I can't remember. It may have been one of y'all. So what's been going on since the last time you were on? And are you upset that you haven't been invited back on more recently? I'll let Kayla go first.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:I mean, you know, I was, I've been waiting for my moment now that Parker is co host of the podcast, you know, Alice gotten several opportunities. I just thought I'd get another one.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:I'm sorry.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:her shot. You know, no, I'm just kidding. I have not been upset at all. And.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:Ella? Same here. Nothing too crazy. About to be summertime.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:You let's go.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:Um, I think it's 12 days, 12. So when this episode comes out, it'll be about 10 or nine, something like
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:Ella, what's a good gift to give teachers
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:Um, gift cards, coffee mugs are cute and all, but nobody really wants a coffee mug. You know? Yeah.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:coffee mugs do you collect over what this is like? Are you a nine? I think, and that right Ella
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:Yeah.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:nine.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:I would say gift cards or like. I think it's also cute when people give like teachers like school supplies like cute pins and stuff like that But I mean you get all that stuff through state money anyway, but you know, so gift card
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:do you get like a lot of gifts like from your students? Cause you're in elementary. So like, do a lot of parents send you gifts to say thank you, or is it kind of like, Mediocre or not much at all. Well,
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:Being a special ed teacher. It's like you're kind of like I mean you are like a support staff You're not like the main teacher. So you get like, you know, you don't get the same as what teachers get which is fine You You like everyone's number two. Yeah. Well, that's nice. Thank you. Not like, not like poop, you know, like, like everyone's number two teacher uhhuh, you know, because like your tea, like you're, you know what I'm saying?
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:You know,
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:You said it yourself, support staff
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:you know, for, for the listeners, I don't know, Alan, I graduated together from Auburn in the same degree, even though I'm not a special ed teacher anymore. I teach math. Um, You know, one of my most dreadful things that I did not enjoy was that when high school students said, when are you going to become a real teacher? Like they would think you're an intern. And I was like, uh, guys, I am a teacher. And so they just, it just never clicked in their mind.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:that they, that you were always like, just on the fringe, just waiting to get that, like you were, what do they call it? Like you were, uh, like an, like an aide or something, like you were a teacher's aide and there just wasn't enough spots. Yeah. Yeah. Wow, I've been called miss help this this year. So that's fine. That's
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:that's fun. Don't even know your name. That's just fun.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:this health
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:Yeah. I don't feel bad, Ella, because like, even if like even moving into the general education role, I know I'm in high school. I don't really get very many gifts either, which is fine. Like, I don't, I don't really don't want any gifts. I did have one student today bring me a candle and it was actually a men's candle
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:Oh, nice.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:ocean. It smells like the ocean. And I was like, That's really good. That's really thoughtful. She must really know what I like. So yeah, except I don't like men. I just like men's candles.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:Awkward segue. Did you guys know that K cups could cause cancer?
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:What?
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:don't listen to Jake. Jake is going down the path. We've already ordered. No. What are they aluminum? Stop that low. Uh, I don't know if we've talked about. I honestly, I'm not sure if we've talked about this addiction on the podcast. Tell me if I, if I, if we have, but, uh, my Starbucks addiction, have we, have we brought this story up
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:I mean, I don't think we've like officially said it was
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:on air?
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:right?
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:This is really,
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:have not heard it on the podcast, but I also have not listened to every episode. Oh, bad wife.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:I
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:Oh,
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:Okay. Well, just about your past addiction. In case you aren't, In case you haven't heard, I spent 3, 100 during calendar year 2023 at Starbucks. That's a three comma 100. Um, so like, that's not, not a joke and I'm not proud. I looked at Ella whenever that happened and I said, I'm so sorry. I said, I knew it was bad. I just didn't realize it was going to get this bad. Uh, and so immediately, uh, I said, we got to fix this. And so that was kind of my new year's resolution was just to change my Starbucks, uh, habit when, so then I started buying the K cups that were Starbucks and I thought this will be much cheaper. And it is on paper. It's like, I mean, I may spend 500. Or less like for the whole year, who knows? But anyway, Al looks at me like over the weekend, she's like, Hey, I'm about to ruin cake ups for you. And I was like, why is that? She's like, uh, well, they say that there could be microplastics in there for like heating up the plastic and then that getting in your coffee and you drinking the coffee and it calls them. Cancer. And so I was like, well, I'm not doing it anymore. I should have just kept my mouth shut to be honest. Well, and then let me maybe dive cancer. Well, I mean, I'm doing it too. We're in the same boat. So we got the bill.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:you've, you've given up a lot, Jake, you've given up a lot, you know, and now you have to give up K cups too. So what, uh, what's the next move for the coffee drinking then?
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:We just put the, uh, the grind, the grounds and, um, and like an aluminum or like a metal, it's like a reusable reusable K cup.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:okay.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:Oh, it's not. And I'm sure that one will help my
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:have
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:voice. No,
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:fully away from cold brew?
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:no, no, no, no. It's not, uh, and it's I'm gonna correct you and I'm sorry. It's not cold brew. Cold brew is when it's brewed cold. Like, it comes out cold. So like,
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:ice coffee, ice
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:yes.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:me.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:Ice coffee is just brewed hot and then turned cold. Either very quickly or very slowly. Um, it's up to you. Yeah, now I've not transitioned from that. Um, and I don't think I'll be transitioning anytime soon or ever. Um, I just need it.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:That just, that just sounded funny. don't think I'll be
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:How many times can I say transition? Well, speaking of,
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:what do you, so what do you do though? Like, want to, I know this podcast is not about coffee, but I mean, this is a big deal for you, Smitty. I mean, you spent three dash 100 at Starbucks. I
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:Oh yeah,
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:this is a big deal. Yeah. Comma, excuse me.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:that's okay. Uh, I, uh, yeah, no, I think you just, I pretty much just brew it hot and then put it in the freezer for 25 minutes and then put it over ice. Liquid cane sugar and,
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:Okay.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:um, it's a whole process. It's a whole process. You gotta go two cubes in the cup in the freezer. That way it sort of tries to get it cold quickly. The ice will dissolve instantly. And that's part of it. You're fine with that freezer. 25 minutes later, pull it out, get you, get you a little, one of those plastic cups. A little, little dash of little, little dash of, uh, uh, cane sugar filled up to just the, the bottom lip, then you pour the what bottom lip Alice laughing at that, get your head out of the gutter. I'm not even just laughing cause you're so detailed with this. Pour it over. Now you've got your sugar mixed in with your coffee. Pour the ice on top, leave room for cream. That's the order you go in every time.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:Man, that's
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:Raise your hand. If you just drink like a regular K cup, you just pop it in. It comes out hot, pour some creamer. That's me.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:so lame. We don't even use K cups. We just have a, we got a Sam's club. Yeah. We got a Sam's club by the big thing of coffee and just,
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:Look at y'all.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:for the morning and we just drink it there and just, you know, we do use oat milk. We are a little extra oat milk creamer. We're a little extra on that. I kind of have to be, we have to be because lactose intolerance doesn't help me with the creamer. So,
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:That's probably your,
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:that's our process. Yeah.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:well, it's about to get cheap.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:proud of you, man. I'm proud of you. Proud of you for stepping away from the Starbucks.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:Well, not really. I'm still buying their, their brand. So like I'm still giving it to him, you know, like it's just not as much.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:Well, it's definitely, I mean, you've probably cut that in half, maybe even more than that. Right. Hmm.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:what I spent last year for sure. Um, but speaking of transitions and speaking of sacrifices. Yes, we're, thank you again, Ella, for sacrificing your whole life for that. No, I'm talking about marriage. Oh, sorry. Speaking of sacrifices. I'm trying to transition into the marriage talk. Uh, so we thought it would be fun and cool and, um, needed to talk about, um, sort of like guarding your marriage. And, um, I don't think we really, we haven't really talked about that. Um, we've talked about that a little bit, um, over just here and there, but not really dedicated a full episode to it. So we just thought it'd be, um, good to sort of dive into that stuff. Cause, um, yeah, I mean, you just see Kayla actually made the suggestion. So this is shout out to auntie KK for making the, The suggestion, but like it's super relevant, you know, cause we can probably name 20 people that we know who have gone through a divorce or have had a very hard time with their marriage. And we're only in our early thirties. So I can only imagine like what the next Lord willing. 20 years would look like for us and our generation. And so, um, I just wanted to throw out some stats, just sort of kick us off. But, uh, this is probably 20, I think this is 2021, 2022 statistic. Um, but it's according to the American psychological association, 40 to 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, which is not a new stat, but it's something that people probably always kind of known. Um, Something interesting that I found was that the median first year marriage lasts about eight years. Um, so this doesn't mean the average, it just means the median, um, first marriage. Um, and then every subsequent marriage, The divorce rate is significant, just like climbs each time you get married. Um, and then divorce is highest among couples between the ages of 25 to 39. And out of that, most couples seem to get divorced, um, in the first five years of their marriage, which I thought was kind of sad. Um, but I guess just sort of in light of those statistics, like what comes to when you guys think of. Uh, how to protect your marriage. Like whenever you got married, was there anything, um, in your premarital counseling that you went through, um, that sort of helped you think about those kinds of things?
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:You want to start? No, go ahead. Okay. This is about you and Allah being on here. So people want to hear you guys. One reason I suggested this topic is because it is a topic that Allah and I have talked about before between the two of us. So I knew it was something that we wouldn't feel uncomfortable talking about. Um, so as far as that, um, kind of, we started our marriage with, we went through premarital counseling with trace. Who's been on the podcast. He was our college pastor at first Baptist, like, uh, and he taught us a lot of great things through that. And, and, you know, premarital counseling, I'm sure y'all can look back on this too. Like, yeah. It's hard to even know what you're stepping into at that season. Like while you're engaged, you still don't even know the full picture of marriages at that point, but you're just trying learn. Um, but I think one thing, one of my big takeaways, and I don't know if, honestly, I can't remember if it came from premarital counseling or if it just came from knowing Trace and Cassie during college, but it was. the idea that we're not going to talk, we're not going to talk bad about each other our friends. So, like, if Parker and I are going through moment where we're not seeing eye to eye, which happens, you know, that I'm not going to turn around and bad mouth him to my co workers or to my friends or to whoever I'm in contact with that day. Out of frustration, I'm not going to go, poorly about my husband. And the same way Parker does for me, like when he was coaching baseball a lot, and the guys would want him to, you know, come out and hang out with him after hang, yeah, hang out with him after a game, he, you know, he was like, well, I'm going to go home and hang out with my wife. And he could have been like, uh, you know, Kayla's just me home. Well, you know, but he didn't say it that way. He just chose to. Say it as not. I need to go home and see my wife spend time with her. So, um, that was one thing that we kind of implemented early on. And I think the other big thing was, um, and I don't, it started with premarital counseling, but it also just kind of evolved during our first year of marriage is, confessing to one another. Um, as they came along, um, when we were going through premarital counseling, trace had us during, we had kind of like three sessions with him and we had time in between each session to work on some things and, read books and do some homework, basically, One of the sessions we had to basically have like a sit down conversation with each other and, you know, discuss like our past sexual sins um, just kind of where had been in our previous relationships and just kind of be really honest with each other about that so that we weren't bringing any things into marriage. And it was really hard, but it was really. for us to have those conversations. Like we, we needed to have those conversations and it was difficult in the moment, but it kind of started this snowball effect of, of understanding that we're both sinners, we're both, we've both been saved by grace. Um, we both, yeah, I, I remember when Parker was telling me his side of things and it was tough on him and he was just, you know, pretty broken in and just the telling me of things. And I don't know why, it's just, the Lord kind of put it on my mind, like, I have washed him white as snow, so you can't look at him differently than that. Like you, when you look at Parker, you need to see what I see, basically. And I see somebody who's forgiven by my blood. so that was, I don't know, that just kind of started the whole thing. Wasn't easy. And it's still not easy and it's, it's a practice that we still up to this day we make mistakes and we confess to each other um, yeah, so, and we forgive each other, that's the big thing.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:I want to come back to the confession or to the confession part, but Allah, what, what do you. What do you think of, um, the question was like, what comes to mind when you think of like those statistics and like protecting your marriage just sort of in general? Like what, I think whenever we first got married our first year, I feel like we probably me mostly, but talked about work too much, like brought home work when it should have been left at work. Um, and said that was kind of stressful. And I feel like looking back, I feel like I wish I would have. been more able to leave that there. So we could have had more time together. Cause I feel like a lot of our conversations dealt with that just because being a first year teacher, Parker gets it as stressful. So you feel like you want to just share that with somebody. And so I did that with Jake and I feel like that was too much at first. And I feel like now I feel like that's not. Like an issue that we have, but I feel like, um, one thing is like, we do, we do try to share kind of like y'all, like we share stuff, even if it's like the dumbest stuff that, um, like we think of, like, we just try to share it with each other just because we want to be as honest as possible with everything that's going on. So that's something that's definitely helped us. Uh, yeah, I was, I was going to just allude to the confession part. Like that wasn't talk, not like getting extremely specific, but, um, we did go through that in our premarital counseling with Derek and Leslie Irons. Derek's also been on the podcast. Um, but look at that, that trend, the trend is if you hang out with me long enough and I'll ask you to be on my podcast. Um, uh, pretty, pretty much like, I remember Derek looking at us and being like, so now's the time to like, say whatever, like anything, share your, you know, thing that your sins, your struggles or anything. And I was like, nah, I was like nothing, nothing to hide here, which was a lie. Like I was, is, is a total lie. And I just thought like. It wasn't worth like that kind of like definitely sexual sin in my past wasn't worth sharing, um, which was. a complete lie from Satan that, um, that I, that I, you know, I could move past that and not share that, um, with Allah within that, you know, ultimately came to a head. Then I had to share that with her anyway, because like talking about. Sharing the dumbest things is that it, that kind of stuff weighed on me so much that I didn't feel like it was fair to her. Um, if we're supposed to be married and become one flesh, like God has called us, like the two shall become one flesh, not two separate people. Um, and not having a wedge between us, but, um, to like our thoughts be each others, our, you know, every, our, our desires, our interests, um, all. Be on the same page. And so, um, I did share that with her. And so now I tell people all the time, like if you can share. Um, with your wife, like your biggest struggles and you can share anything with anybody, in my opinion, like there's nothing you like, I don't have anything to hide now from anybody, including Ella. Um, so people look at me funny when I do say, I tell people jokingly that Starbucks used to, speaking of Starbucks, I say that Starbucks is the only addiction I would allow myself to have. And some guy was like, why don't I feel like you're. Or a guy I work with, it's like, why does that sound like you're not serious, like you're a little bit serious? And I was like, because it's a little bit true. Like, yeah, I, I've had that type of personality, but, um, Parker, you got anything to add to that?
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:Yeah, I, guess really, um, I mean, it was definitely a learning process for both of us. I think, I think when it comes to that confession part for, for us, like, I knew that if I, I wasn't willing to tell Kayla, Even the smallest little thoughts that I had, whether that's like a negative thought towards her or a sexual thought towards another female, um, you know, whatever that may be, if I wasn't willing to even tell her my thoughts, then I wasn't willing her to tell her everything. And so. that's, that's hard. That's, that's really hard. I'm not even going to lie. Uh, and I, and I'm not perfect at it by all means, but I think over time, like you guys have said, the more that we are willing to confess to each other, the more healing that, that comes. And I think like the verse that came to my mind, uh, that comes to my mind all the time, and I have to tell myself this all the time to read this, because if I don't like I won't want to confess to her and I won't want to tell her. Um, but James 5 16 says, therefore confess your sins to one another and pray for one another that you may be healed. Um, the main part there is that you, I mean, the first part is that you got to confess it and no matter what that is, it doesn't say you can confess some sins or just here and there, but confess them. Um, and before there's healing, you have to confess. Uh, so, you know, just like you were saying, Jake, like. This Satan will try to tell you, Oh, well, this is not that big of a deal. You can let this slide and you know, you won't have to deal with it later. But every single time I have that thought, like I can, I'll just hide this and just deal with it later. It always comes back. It always does. And I truly believe that's the spirit in me saying, no, I'm this. I know what's good for you. I know what's good. You need to confess this because you know, this is your wife. This is what I've called you to do. You need to obey. kind of deal. So, um, yeah, I do think that the confession part has been probably one of the most strongest things about our marriage. I think not as in like, we're perfect at it as in like, as we confess, it makes our marriage stronger. Um, not that we're just like so strong at it. Uh, but that's, you know, that, and it goes to the little things, Jake, we always talk about, you know, don't want to, Put your business out there, but you said one time you told me that you're, uh, at work and one of your coworkers that was a female said, Hey, let's go eat lunch and talk about this. And then your 1st response was, I don't do that. Like, I don't do that. And like, you weren't being rude, but it's just like, I don't do that because I want to protect my wife and I want to protect my marriage. And like, um, I think just little things like that. You know, helps you to protect your marriage because you are being vulnerable with your wife and that's where it becomes, or your, or your husband. And that's where it becomes like. Healing now, boyfriend and girlfriend. That's, you know, that could be a whole different story. I would not encourage boyfriend and girlfriends to confess your sins to one another, like to a sexual level. Um, that's just my personal opinion. Uh, I think that's meant for more married couples. Um, but that could be a whole nother podcast
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:Yeah.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:Well, and like, in that same vein, we do things, so talking about like protecting your marriage, we kind of. steps to avoid getting to that place too, so like. Um, obviously he works with female coworkers. I work with male coworkers or just, you know, different scenarios where like I'm around males, he's around females. So if it ever comes to having conversations via text or, um, mainly text messages, I guess, or like group me or whatever, you know, whatever kind of instant messenger app you're using, like we're really quick to try and loop. The other one into a conversation if it has to be had with, somebody the opposite sex or just at least showing each other our text messages. Like, I had to text so and so today. here's the text messages. I just wanted you to see it. So, you know, it's kind of like the understood. And then I feel like it kinda helps your mind know, like, I'm not, you're not hiding anything. I'm not, yeah. I'm not hiding anything and I'm not going past this point, like. This is where like I draw the line and literally letting them like, grab, like, I let her grab my phone and say, here, read it. Like, I want you to see it. And if we're not together, like, we take screenshots of text messages and say, Hey, just letting you know, like, we're talking about business. This is exactly what we talked about. And if there's any doubt, which I don't ever have any doubt, she doesn't either. Um, but if there's any doubt, we always allow each other to go through each other's phones, um, because it's just protection, you know, it's just like, you know, anyways, it's just protection for us.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:Oh yeah. You're like, you want to say something? Um, um, Derek and Leslie, I remember them saying, cause I think you go into marriage thinking like, Oh, we're young. Like everything's gonna be perfect. It's going to be wonderful. We'll never like, I don't know, fall into temptation for like an affair or anything like that, but they were saying that like anybody is capable of, uh, Falling into that, like no matter how strong you think your marriage is, anybody's capable of doing that. And that's kind of a sobering thought, but it's so true. Cause you can just put yourself in a situation that, um, is hidden or, um. I don't really know where I'm going with this, but basically just putting yourself in a situation that could, even if it is innocent, could look, um, make you look guilty. So, um, you don't want like, if say I'm eating with the male coworker, which being elementary teacher, there's not many of, um, If I'm eating with a male coworker or a male friend, just one on one around Birmingham, people are going to see me and think it's something inappropriate,
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:Right.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:if it's innocent. I think you just have to protect, and not that it's about what other people think, but if we're going to show, if we're going to be examples for Jesus, we have to, and we're going to be looked at weird, be called weird.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:Yeah.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:It puts me in text messages, and it can get annoying sometimes when I'm getting a thousand text messages. When it's like me, and I'm not involved, like a girl, um, like I say a girl, like a woman, not, not, not a young girl. Yeah, and it's mostly like podcast things. And I'm like in the text message, but yeah, uh, yeah, uh, I remember Alan telling
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:with Trace at First Baptist at Blanca and he told me the first weeks I was working there, he was like, if we ever have to drive somewhere together, you're driving the car and I'm in the backseat opposite of you, like as, or like as far away as possible, basically. It's like, in case we drive by anybody, I don't want anybody thinking anything. You know, I, I kind of laughed at it when he told me, cause at that point, Parker and I were just dating. We weren't married yet. But now looking back, I'm like, Oh yeah, it makes sense. I get it. Yeah. It makes sense.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:me like to like show it's like confessing the little things and then we'll move on from the confession aspect of this. But I remember Alan telling me, like, it gives her comfort to knowing that, like, if you shared the little things, like, if you feel guilty or not guilty, but like, if you feel conviction enough to, to share the little things with me. And like, it gives her peace of mind knowing that I'm not hiding big things from her.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:Yeah. Uh,
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:Like Al will tell me dumb things like. I'm not gonna say any real examples, but she'll be like, I saw a, a, a guy with, you know, his shirt off and I thought that he looked good. And I'm like, okay, cool. You know, which is a specific example and you feel dumb like saying these things, but then you're like, well, I mean, yeah. Uh, yeah, you feel really stupid saying out loud, like the exact thing that happened and then you're like, oh, like I'm sorry. You're okay, cool. Like, and you move on. And I think that's what. Uh, that's probably one of the coolest parts of being married is, um, like I, I tell this to my high school guys. I'm like, once you get married, it's not like you're just going to magically stop thinking that like every other woman in the world is just magically ugly. You know, like God just fixed your eyes to only think of your wife as beautiful. And I'm not saying that I don't, but like, like there's still other women out there and for women, there's still other men out there. Like, it's not like. It's not like that part just goes away. Um,
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:one of the things is really good at, and she might not agree with this, but I, I, I know she's really good at forgiving. Like, and then verbalizing that, like saying, I forgive you. And like, and then actually moving on from it, like nationally internally, I don't know what goes on, but like externally what I see and how she acts after that, like she shows me she's, she's forgiven me. Um, I struggle with that. I struggle with letting things go. Um, Which creates a whole different Avenue. Like she might not be more willing to confess to me if I'm not more willing to forgive. And actually, like I said, yeah, yeah, I forgive you. Um, but sometimes my actions don't match that. And so she is really good at it. And I'm very thankful for that because I have way more sin to confess to her than she does to me. Um, so like, I'm so thankful. She's, Very quick to forgive and show that because then I'm more willing to share with her. And then also too, is teaching me that, Hey, I need to be verbalizing. Hey, I forgive you. And then like actually leave it out because I mean, live it out because
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:Hmm.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:actually verbena like verbalize when someone has sent against you, like, I forgive you. Like that's a, that's hard to say when you're upset at somebody. Um, but she is really, really good at this and something that I am learning from her, uh, as we speak, like, like this now. So
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:Um,
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:that, but, uh, she is, she is that good at it.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:yeah. Uh, quick scripture break. Matthew 19, eight says, uh, that whatever God has joined together, let not man separate. And I just think it's just a reminder that we're talking about like what right now we're talking about, like some practical things, right? Love, like. Letting your spouse see your phone, um, you know, confessing sin to each other. But like, I think, I think we also should remember, uh, that like we made a covenant. Um, me and Alan did and you and Caleb, like we made a covenant between God that we would stay married to each other and that God has joined us together. Um, and so I think our culture, maybe even in Christian, some Christian culture, I'm not going to say all Christian culture, but some cultures I'm sure, uh, definitely don't value, um, marriage as being a covenant. And so that's just something I want us to sort of segue into is, uh, I guess what are some like biblical ways that you have been able to, uh, guard or help protect your marriage? Maybe not guard, maybe not guard your marriage from. Like sexual sin or, you know, from another, um, you know, uh, another person of opposite sex, but what are some ways you, you've protected your marriage from like the world, you know, like maybe it's work. Um, maybe it's part Parker's desire to want to be, um, go a go getter or whatever, or, or, uh, you know what I mean? The, uh, The principle of the Eastern shore. Um,
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:That's
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:you know, it was just things like that. Things that are not necessarily sexual, uh, sin related. Right. Cause a lot of people can get caught up in their own, uh, identities, like their own identities in their job, uh, in their community, how people view them. Um, so are there any, any things like that that you've taken heed
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:Well, in that sentence, that verse you were just reading, I was looking at that passage before we got on here tonight and, uh, I think it's interesting, he, he keeps going on in verse eight and he says because of your hardness of heart, Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but in the beginning, this was not so and just that reminder that, like, it was never God's plan for divorce to come in to the picture, um, is a good reminder that, like, Uh, it is for our good that we stay married, it's God's good plan for this. And, and like you said, it is a covenant. as far as what we do and other ways to protect our marriage. Um, so we kind of went through a little bit of a, I would say a slumpish kind of time around year seven, where we were just like arguing a lot, I feel like. And.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:ever done that? Yeah,
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:was, I was the main focus of it. I was the one that was bringing the arguments. So we started reading the Bible together in the morning and it wasn't necessarily like we were reading the same scripture. It was just like we were waking up together and reading the Bible together and honestly we should still be doing this and I am the reason we're not still doing this because I have a problem waking up early in the morning. I am the problem. no, And I really felt like the Lord really turned things around for us just with that simple act and, and we would like spend our own individual time in the word. And then we would just pray together, um, after, or when, when we knew we were about to have to get the boys up. And that was just, yeah, I just really feel like the Lord blessed that time and really kind of helped us get through that season by just turning our focus back on Him in our marriage. And, um, the other thing I think that I've seen the Lord do just like spiritually in our marriage is through prayer. Um, I, I saw it like pretty early on in our marriage, honestly, like, Um, I remember like there'll be things, obviously, like, you know, you start living together and you're like, Oh man, there, there's some things about this person that it's a little tough, um, but I love Parker, but, but you know, I mean, everybody goes through it, the first year, especially, you know, And I just remember being like, I don't want to like bring this to him. Like, I don't want to just like keep coming at him with things. And this is honestly like advice I should have been taking like recently. We had a good, fight. We had a good argument like two nights ago. So like people listen to this podcast. I can tell you right now, we are probably the worst people to be talking about this, but we're learning. But I just remember I'd be like, okay Lord, I'm just gonna talk to you about this, like, I'm gonna tell you what's going on, and what I'm seeing in him, and I'm just gonna let you handle it. Because I don't think I'm supposed to basically. So I would just kind of pray about different things. And honestly, I can't, I mean, I can't recall anything specific to mine at the moment, but I do remember praying about things and then seeing things happen in Parker's life or Parker coming in, telling me things and being like, this is what the Lord's teaching me right now. And I'd be like, that's interesting I was praying about that for you. Um, and.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:yeah, uh,
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:prayer sometimes, uh, yeah, I really think that that is a key thing in marriage is to just pray for one another and not like have to bring everything to the to the, to the threshing floor, like you don't have to like air it all out, like sometimes it's just better for you to talk to the Lord about it. Preach.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:uh, uh, it's funny. You're talking about arguing and like year seven slumps we're in year nine will be in a couple, a few weeks actually will be our ninth anniversary. So I think it was probably, it may have been year seven or year eight. It was last year. It was year seven. It was when Daniel was born. That was when it was toughest third kid. I mean, you were talking about like. And I think this is like, you're talking about forgiveness too, um, is that like, uh, probably one of my biggest things I struggle with now is anger. And some people are shocked to like hear that because like, I'm not going to go out in public and just be openly angry to people. Like, that's just, I wasn't really raised that way. I may, I may like be really upset on the inside, but it's like when I get home, I feel like I can let my guard down. So to speak, um, which is great, you know, which you're like, this is where I can be myself and I can tell Allah how I'm really feeling about things and probably 60 percent of the arguments we got in were just like, Where I will, it started off where like, I may not have even been mad at her. I'm just angry at something different. And so then I'm talking to her in an, in a loud voice when I'm angry. And then she hears that as, Oh, Jake's angry at me. Uh, and now we're, you know, five minutes goes by and we're in a, like, we're, we're in a real argument and I'm like, how do we even get here? Um, and so I think. I have pray speaking of prayer to, uh, I've tried to pray. Just to like allow for God to change my heart to just not be so judgmental or angry and be more forgiving towards other people and including Alan too. So then when I, when we do have those conversations, it's much more calm and it doesn't result in us having a knockdown drag out. Also, also the worst person to be bringing, to be giving that advice out to people. Cause that's something we're going through right now. But, um, I do want to talk about, uh, unless Ella wanted to share anything with that, you don't have to. No, I was just about to say, like, I always feel like we're in an argument. If we're ever an argument, I always feel like if I don't know, like what to do, like I'll pray. Like if we feel like we need like space for a minute and then immediately God's like, you need to go apologize. Like, even if like, I, I'm not, you're not even in the wrong. I mean, obviously I did something wrong if we're like both arguing with each other, like we're both, you know, we're not to be like quarreling or whatever. Um, and so like, if I, I'm like, come on, like, isn't he supposed to apologize? But you know, like it's, but you're always supposed to take the first step and always apologize. I know that's like something so small and like we teach kindergarteners that, but you know, I think that always like prompts good conversation after an argument. I have a cool statistic, uh, talking about prayer and I kind of want to lead into how your prayer life looks now. Um, but, uh, I got this from a website that referenced an article done in, or a study done in 2010 by Christopher Ellison at the university of Texas, San Antonio called the couple that prays together. And ethnicity, religion, and relationship quality among working age adults. Um, well, I said, I said that. It's like a Leslie Knope title. It's like a Leslie Knope title. I said the whole thing because I didn't want people to think, oh, Jake just made that up.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:guys.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:I did not make that up. In quotes. So if you do want to check that study out, I didn't look at the actual study, I just looked at the article that referenced the study. But, it talked about this statistic that while 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, um, less than 1 percent Of couples, according to this study, less than 1 percent of couples who pray together daily in their marriages and divorce.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:Hmm. Wow.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:So
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:Hmm.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:than 1%, and it kind of goes on to be like, well, you know, like, cause the, the, the, the shocking statistic that people hear in the church. A lot is like Christian marriages are equally as likely to end in divorce, but they took it a step further and saying, okay, well, if people identify as a Christian, are they praying together? Yes or no? If yes, how often do they pray together? You know, and then it just whittled it down to like, oh, well, if they pray together every day, then they're less than 1 percent likely to get a divorce. So how does your prayer life look? Now, compared to when you first started, um, well, when you, when your marriage first started
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:Well, we definitely pray with our children. Yeah. Every night. And we all pray together with that. Um, we spend time reading the Bible together as a family. Um, I would say it's probably, I'd say it's better than when we started marriage, but I think we've had like highs and lows seasons. And I, I don't think this is like a low season for us, but I don't think we're like, we could get better at that. Yeah. There's definitely room for improvement, but do we pray together? Absolutely. I mean, there's no doubt we pray. I mean, you know, we're making decisions for our family. I mean, we immediately go to prayer because know, if we're stressed about something or worried about something, we immediately pray, uh, we pray a lot. Um, and this is, this is just something we do. We pray a lot in the car together. Uh, especially if we just have, like, a moment where there's no children in the car, like, through the grandparents or something like that, like. A lot of times we'll just ride in silence and sometimes we'll just pray. Like we just want to pray about something and we just pray. used to, we did, we did pray together before bed every night. Um, and that has lacked just to be honest, that's lacked.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:the same,
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:say, kids are a good, are a good support system in remembering to pray
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:yeah.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:because they are so habitual that like, if you start a habit with your kids, you better be ready to, you're going to follow that habit through and they're not going to let you forget it because, you know, You know, we have our kind of routines now when we take them to school in the morning or when we're going to bed at night and like Beckham will remind me if we're on the way to school and I'm not remembering, we're like at a certain point where, where I usually like start praying. I turn off the music and start praying for his day before I drop him off. And, and if I miss my cue, like he's going to let me know. Cause just to have it, you know, like kind of what Kayla said, like we just created that and Callan's the same way. I take Callan to daycare and he's the same way. Like we. don't even turn on before even pulling out of our neighborhood. He's, he's like, daddy, pray, daddy, pray. I'm like, yep, let's do it. And so like, I mean, those are good habits. And I think that, um, you know, more specifically, like for the two of us together, we're not hot streak right now, unfortunately. But we, we should, we should get, get back to that definitely, because that's a great statistic to hear. It is. I mean, we're in a spiritual war. I mean, it's a spiritual battle and I don't want to sound all Christian y, but it's the truth. I mean, there's a spirit, a spiritual battle over our children, there's a spiritual battle over our marriage, there's a spiritual battle over our hearts. yeah. So that's why, like for me, I'm a much better morning person. So when Kayla said, I wake up early, like, and, and this is not a pat on my back. I just do it. It's just out of habit. I wake up, I read, I pray. Um, cause as a man of the house, I feel like I need to be praying for my family before they even wake up. Um, that's just me though. Like, I just, I just feel like that's just what I need to do now. That's not like, like this morning, I'm not gonna lie. I struggle to keep my eyes open. Like I had to pray on my eyes open this morning cause I thought I was about to fall asleep. like I'm not perfect at it, but, um,
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:yeah, yeah, we used to think, or I used to think that like praying together meant that like, that's what we did before we went to bed, like that was the time, you know, like when we first got married and we were pretty good about it and then we stopped. We started falling asleep, like every couple does, like you just get in bed. And like, that's not the time to, my personal opinion is when you turn the light off and go to bed, that's not the time to like, try to have a meaningful prayer with God when you're, when you've given personally, when you've given like 110%, like your body's like, yep, this is the time to shut it down.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:Yeah. you're
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:I think,
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:on the couch, watching Netflix. Same.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:where, um, either one of us is not comfortable with something like it, especially in, you know, Anxiety, worry, that kind of stuff. Like something not good is going on at work. And we're just like, well, let's just pray about it. Um, and now his was really good last summer about initiating, like us praying together before I'd leave the house every day. Um, and so just trying to find those pockets of time where you're like, Oh, now's a great time to pray. Even when nothing's going wrong, um, which we probably don't do, we definitely don't do the, uh, Those prayers as much. Um, um, so yeah, you got anything else that she's good? Same. Uh, so I guess just sort of, sort of wrapping, wrapping up, I guess. Like what, what's sort of just some of the biggest takeaways that you have that you, cause y'all have been married almost, this'll be your 10th year, right? 10. And when is it? August.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:August 9th. Yep. 10 years.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:That's right. Annie's birthday. Oh, that's not Annie's birthday. So, uh,
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:each other's anniversary.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:but I guess what's been, I mean, you've been married almost 10 years. So what's been your biggest takeaway of like, this is something that I learned over the last 10 years that, uh, I would, that you could share with someone.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:I think for me, it's just that the world has it so backwards. And I really have to remind myself of that constantly. I mean, we live in an era where female empowerment is like. on the forefront. And there's nothing wrong in my opinion with, you know, equal pay or certain issues that are brought up in that conversation. But there's a lot that is not what God intended in that conversation. And all throughout scripture, if you're looking at What the Bible says a wife, um, to do in relation to her husband. It's not, it's not to be the loud one. It's not to be the bossy one. Uh, it's not to be decision maker. Um, and you know, I have some of those traits in me where like, I kind of like, I want to like speak up quickly sometimes, but there, you So, and then when you see the culture, like pushing you in that direction, it can get you in this mindset of like, of basically acting like leader of the home when you don't need to be. Um, but when I actually what the Bible says about being a wife and, um, and I'm preaching, like I'm preaching to myself here because I mess up in this all the time, but like, Like 21 talks about a quarrelsome wife or a nagging wife. And I have my moments where I'm a lot more quarrelsome or nagging than I would like to admit. Um, when I stop that and I start looking for opportunities to be encouraging rather than that, I mean, obviously things fall into place a lot better for us and. Um, one scripture I really like that I've kind of give me a lot of direction in, in my role as a wife is, uh, first Peter three and my husband is a believer. So, like, some of this doesn't necessarily apply to us, but it's just, good and it's good. Um, Wisdom. It says, Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be one without a word by the conduct of their wives when they see your respectful and pure conduct. So kind of going back to that idea of like praying first and, um, just kind of living in a way that like doing what I can to know that I'm. Trying to submit to my husband and follow the Lord. And I don't have to like make a big deal about it. I'm just going to like follow, know, um, and not let the world tell me that I need to be out in the forefront. Um, I don't know if that makes sense, but that's kind of where 10 years has brought me. Yeah. And so in that, um, just real quickly, you know, she I've talked about how she has She has already taught me and is still teaching me how to forgive and, and to actually live out that forgiveness and verbalize it and live it out. But also to, you know, Ephesians five talks about. know, and wife's, you know, duties in marriage and, you know, the husband in 25, it says, husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave up himself for her. And so, um, a very prideful dude and the Lord is stripping me of my pride. Um, And I'm thankful that he's doing that gracefully. like when I am, when I have a thoughts or when I have a, when I think something should be done a certain way, um, like very passionate about it. And. if that as is at the disregard of my wife and children. the Lord and with Kayla's help also has taught me to give up myself for, for her and for the boys. Um, which I think, I think I do in some aspects. Um, but there's still a lot of ways that I can see in the past 10 years that I, I should have. And. I need to start practicing, giving up more myself for them. Um, and that means my wants, my desires, my, affections, you know, my, my thoughts, what I think away should go, um, that I'm not a, should be a husband that is like, This is my house and this is how we're going to do things. Um, because that's how God called it. Uh, instead I'm here to serve and to, to give up myself and my wants and desires for them. So I'm learning and I'm sure Kayla would tell you, you should be the first one to tell you I am learning a lot. So I think that's what brought, I came, I think that's what kind of brought us 10 years in the making.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:Oh, you got anything to close this with? Oh, that's, um, I would say, I guess thinking, I guess who am I giving advice to? Just people that are newly married? People, anyone, just anyone, um, I would say like, just knowing that you're both sinful and life is not going to be perfect. It's all about forgiveness and reconciliation and loving each other and choosing each other every day. Cause I feel like you can get lost in like, are they wronged me? I wronged them. Um, but we're called to forgive and called to love each other. Um, and I think just giving God like. You and not like try to like control, not that I try to control you, but like just letting God be in control of your thoughts and your actions and things like, like, kind of like what Kayla was saying, like convict and me not be the one to convict you, if that makes sense. Um, because then I think it comes off as me being, um, I'll say bossy. Yeah. So I think, but I think just, um, Allowing God to do it because he will do it if you ask him to say,
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:Yeah.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:that's great. Well, that's all the time we got for tonight. Oh, you're not going to share with you? Yes. Yeah. Yeah.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:of divorce, if you've been divorced before, like there is a hundred percent forgiveness in the blood of Jesus Christ that, and so like, you know, we know people, we, we both know people that have been divorced, um, But just as much as our sin needs to be forgiven is the same with yours. And so don't take this as like, we're coming down on you guys for, for using to, to divorce or whatever, like no matter, no matter who you are, the blood of Christ covers that. So, and no matter what you've done. So anyways, Jake, you're gonna wrap us up with what you got.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:I learned nothing. I mean, y'all kind of hit on the same things. Like, uh, you know, when, when I, when we got married, I thought I was going to be in charge, so to speak, like I'm leading, I'm making the rules and now, and now it's just going to have to get in line. Not, not like in that kind of. Well, no, I mean, not like in like a very
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:you.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:abrasive way, just like a great example is like, you know, like we're going to eat here and we're going to do this and we're going to go to this church or we're going to. Uh, spend this much time with our family versus this much time at home. Or, you know, like, um, I realized very quickly that she's like, I don't want to do those things. I'm like, I thought you would say yes to that. I'm like, I really thought that would work. Um, but just sort of like in everyday life, you know, just like we're, it's not me. And then Allah, like we're, we're married and going back to like scripture, like we're one flesh. So, um, we're a team and we want to be on the same team every day. Even though, even though we're sometimes very. Angry and disappointed and upset with each other. Um, we don't, we thrive better best when we are reconciled with each other. Um, and that's, that's how, that's probably the biggest thing I've learned. So,
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:Hmm. Good stuff.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:yeah.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:Good stuff, Smiths.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:Well, Auntie KK and Alwa, thank y'all for hanging out with us tonight. You're welcome.
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:Thank you, ladies. Thank you for having
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:We'll try to have more females on, I promise. And it's not that we don't like females, it's just that naturally Parker and I don't have that many female friends, which is a great thing for our marriage. I guess it goes with the marriage. Like, so,
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:I think the next time we invite some female, we'll include you guys in the text messages, all jokes
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:Yes,
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:So
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:we certainly, but I think if you, both of y'all are like texting one female, that's not like, well,
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:don't know,
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:maybe you want to be safe and weird stuff to a female while Parker's in the text. That's weird. Right. But nonetheless, not having either way,
parker-sanders_1_05-07-2024_204003:Yeah. Bye.
jake_1_05-07-2024_203944:you next time.
